"... and then the world as we know it must be broken so that we can be born anew..."

I have Mark Nepo's "The Book of Awakening" on my desk at work.  I sometimes do a good job of reading everyday... but most times I skip over it.  Today, searching for inspiration to share with the loves of my life--a.k.a. my best friends--I opened to what I thought was today's message.  After determining that I needed to send this to my friends (along with two other pieces) I realized that technically this was the "Awakening" for yesterday, November 12.  Nevertheless, it was right on time for me.

#awakening

Feeling Super Human

Tonight, I feel like the moms that I see on Instagram and Facebook.  You know the ones that post status messages like this: "Just finished cooking filet mignon and scallops for my boo boo, baked a homemade peach cobbler--it was da bomb!!!  Babies in bed--now I'm 'bout to do me and un-wine with this Moscato #winning"  LOL.  Well tonight, that's me--minus the surf-n-turf and minus the wine...and minus the cobbler.

But I did cook.  And it was pretty damn delicious.  I give myself props because, quite frankly, I can't remember the last time I cooked something that tasted like it came from a restaurant.  I'm pretty sure it was last October, right before I found out I was pregnant...

Tonight I made Parmesan crusted white fish and roasted asparagus, and finished it off with homemade peach yogurt parfaits.  Did I mention all this was done while wearing my baby?

Then we ate.  Then I bathed Jojo--which included my personal singing renditions of Hakuna Matata and Rubber Ducky .  And now she's tucked in her cradle sound asleep.  Leaving me a little time to blog and just relish in all that I've done this evening.

Also, this happened today:

#bowdown #shebangsshebangs #teammilf

So this happened...

I had a baby!  Josephine Marley Rose was born in June 27, 2013.  She weighed 7lbs and was 20 inches long.  And I did that thing NATURAL!  No epidural, no demurral...no nothing.  I had a water birth.  It was an amazing (and freaking scary) experience...but that's for another post.

But fast forward 11 weeks to today... I've finally emerged from the fog of new motherhood and I'm ready to get myself back--well my body and mind.  Jojo can keep my heart.


Everyone told me "being a mom is hard" and I believed them.  And so I "prepared."  I did my usual thing--research, research, research.  I read books on how to have a health pregnancy (exercise, DO NOT EAT FOR TWO).  I read books on childbirth and what to expect; I made a birth plan; I hired a doula.  I read books on parenting--Dr. Sears and attachment parenting became my thing.  So I knew I was ready.

I was not ready.  It was hard is hard.  And I think having all that information made it more difficult for me in the beginning...because of who I am.  Can you say neurotic-type-A-perfectionist?   The books were great--they let me know what to expect and gave me the "ideal" for how I might approach each of those scenarios.  And for pregnancy and child birth, the books were EVERYTHING.  If I hadn't been introduced to Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Natural Childbirth, (see also The Business of Being Born),  I know for a fact my birthing experience would have been way different...but that, again, is a story for another post.

Back to what I was saying... books on parenting gave me great information, but also helped me to be hard on myself.  I suppose they were a gift and a curse--for example, if I hadn't read so much about how great breastfeeding is for mom and baby, and if I hadn't read about how breastfeeding is a major component of attachment parenting, I probably would have given up on breastfeeding by now.  So for that I'm thankful.  But I wanted to do everything by the book.  I wanted to learn all of Jojo's cues, react perfectly to every wimper or cry, be the one to comfort her when she cried.  And never, ever, ever, ever, ever..... EVER let her "cry it out."  I worried.  I cried.  I fussed. I cried some more.  I ate cookies because I couldnt drink wine (I'm breastfeeding, duh!)  And I didn't leave the house much. It was brutal.  I thought everyone was judging my parenting (especially both grandmothers).  Then, maybe two weeks ago, it clicked!! I was the one judging myself so harshly.  I was the one DRIVING MYSELF CRAZY.  So I stopped.

I went cold turkey on judging.  At this point I'm a mantra-having queen--constantly talking myself out of the postpartum crazies--"she's not thinking you're an awful mother and woman because your house is a WRECK...and if she is, you don't need her approval anyway" (true self talk had by me this week)--and realizing, in the process, just how judgmental I've been of myself (and I suppose of others) through out my life.

Anyway, all that to say, I'm ready to get back to who I am, and be even better.  Which includes getting my BODY back in action!

I grudgingly started working out with a trainer this week--on Wednesday.  I went for the second time this morning... grudgingly.  I swear I gave myself every excuse to miss it today-- I was nervous about leaving Jojo in the gym nursery (it was her first time, and I don't even really like leaving her with ANYONE).  I woke up late.  I hadn't had breakfast.  Personal training is expensive.  I was tired, and sore from Wednesday.  --But somehow I pushed through, I got there.  And I loved it.  Since being pregnant, I forgot how much I love fitness and being in shape, and eating right.  And mostly being in shape and having a sick bod.  But all that was re-ignited this morning. And for that I am grateful.  I signed up to train twice a week, every week, this month.  And... they require you to set up a bank draft (the okie-doke).  So I guess I'm locked in for a little bit, LOL.

I've been following Ripped Goddess on Facebook, and people always show their before and after shots.  I'm nervous to put this on the inter-web* but.... here is my before shot:

11 Weeks Postpartum 

#bootydofail #nothot #workinprogress

Here's what I want to look like:

#teammilf #youhadababy? #sickbod #lovedoesntneedhandles

So let the games begin!  And may the odds be ever in [my] favor....

*two points if you can tell me why I linked this video here :)